Matt’s Humor: Offensive

This page contains things that may be offensive to people. Some of them are nasty, scurrilous, low, or just plain, well, ..., offensive! But I do think they are amusing (which probably says a lot about me!)

Now you can’t say I didn’t warn you ... so if you read something offensive here, please don’t complain. You had your chance to stop!

Read this page at your own risk

Religious Truths

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says, “Shit happens”.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn’t shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to somebody else.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Shit doesn’t happen until Armageddon.
Christian Science: When shit doesn’t happen, don’t call a doctor—pray.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Reform Judaism: Got any Kaopectate?
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit.
Pantheism: Shit comes from everywhere.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
Astrology: Shit comes from the stars.
Naturopathy: Shit happens naturally.
Homeopathy: A little shit goes a long way.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit.

Memo To All Students

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of Special High Intensity Teaching (SHIT). We are trying to give our students more SHIT than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Students who don’t know SHIT will be placed in Departmental Education Evaluation Programs (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to Educational Attitude Training (EAT SHIT). Since our lecturers took SHIT before they graduated, they don’t have to do SHIT anymore, as they are all full of SHIT already.

If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL SHIT).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of Managerial Operational Research Education (MORE SHIT). This course emphasizes on how to manage MORE SHIT. If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Teaching, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT).

Thank you,

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Teaching

A Child’s Version of Politics

A young boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Choking on Chicken

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right, that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”