Matt’s Humor: Philosophy

All Things ...

All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat,
  All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings,
  He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small,
  All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.
  Who made the spikey urchin? who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
  Putrid, foul and gangrenous, the Lord God made them all.

Your Daily Moment of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he can drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
15. If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.
17. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.