Matt’s Humor: Word Play

A Parrot Named Macbeth

R. Kennedy III, on a mailing list

Q: How do you greet a parrot named “Macbeth”?
A: Polyurethane.

De-

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. Orientals will become disoriented. Pigs may lose their voice and become disgruntled. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Some Amusing One-Liners

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever—so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist—they don’t expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
If a job is worth doing, then get someone in to do it properly.

Questions for Thought

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, and no one is around to hear, does it make a sound?
If a mime swears do you wash his hands with soap?
If a fly had no wings would it be called a walk?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry cows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? And would they turn out to be troubled and insecure?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn’t there a mouse flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV ?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
Should vegitarians eat animal crackers?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts”, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they’re cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, “It’s only a game”, when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?